(Stephen, Val, Carole Jean & Kevin in lab coats with clipboards.) All: WELCOME TO SEATTLE. WE’RE GLAD YOU’VE COME TO VISIT, AND WE HOPE THAT YOU CAN STAY, AT LEAST UNTIL WE’RE FINISHED WITH THIS EVENING’S CABARET. TO ENSURE A PLEASANT VISIT, WE’VE PREPARED A LITTLE QUIZ; IT ISN’T VERY DIFFICULT. WE DO IT IN THIS SONG. IT’S GUARANTEED TO TEACH YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO GET ALONG. AND EVEN IF YOU ARE A NATIVE, YOU WILL FIND IT ILLUSTRATIVE. YOU MAY HAVE TO GET CREATIVE, IF YOU ANSWER WRONG. Kevin: WHO IS FROM SEATTLE? WE HAVE OUR WAYS OF KNOWING IF YOU DO NOT COME FROM HERE. Val: WE’VE GOTTEN VERY GOOD AT IT SINCE MOVING HERE LAST YEAR. Stephen: DO YOU CARRY AN UMBRELLA? IF YOU DO, THEN WE CAN TELL. C.J.: A TRUE SEATTLE NATIVE DOESN’T BALK AT GETTING WET. Stephen & CJ.:: HE’LL PICNIC IN A DRIZZLE, ‘CAUSE YOU TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET. Val: DO YOU STOP AT EDDIE BAUER TO WAIT OUT AN APRIL SHOWER? C.J.: GIVE IT MAYBE HALF AN HOUR. All: DO YOU WANNA BET? Stephen: And now it’s time for Seattle Survival Rule Number One! BE NICE, All: BE NICE, SEATTLEITES ARE VERY, VERY NICE. Stephen & Kevin: WE’RE FRIENDLY TO OUTSIDERS. Val & C.J.: AND FREE WITH OUR ADVICE. Kevin: Where is a good neighborhood to buy a home? Val: (smiling politely) Fresno. All: WE WANT TO GET TO MEET YOU, SO WE’LL KNOW HOW TO TREAT YOU. WE’LL BE NICE. Stephen: In Seattle, being a native is a way of life. ARE YOU LIKE A NATIVE? Val: ARE YOU GOOD AT BEING RUDE WHILE SEEMING SO POLITE? Kevin: AND DO YOU NEVER CROSS THE STREET AGAINST THE TRAFFIC LIGHT? C.J: DO YOU SHOP AT PIKE PLACE MARKET? FLY A KITE AT GAS WORKS PARK? Stephen: IT HELPS IF YOU’RE ATHLETIC. DO YOU JOG AND MOUNTAIN CLIMB? Val: DO YOU LIKE TO TALK TO STRANGERS? Kevin: ARE YOU FRIENDLY ALL THE TIME? Stephen: ARE YOU INCAPABLE OF GOING INTO WORK WHEN IT IS SNOWING? All: HAVE YOU EVER WORKED AT BOEING? ARE YOU IN BED BY NINE? Kevin: Obviously, none of you are Seattle natives. Val: Which brings us to Rule Number Two. BE BLAND. All: BE BLAND. SEATTLEITES ARE VERY, VERY BLAND. STRANGE THINGS GIVE US PASSION. YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND. C.J.: Like a sunny day in June. Stephen: The Nordstrom half-yearly sale. All: WE DON’T LIKE THINGS TOO SPICY, BUT WE LOVE THAT MAYOR RICE; HE IS SO BLAND. AND NICE. Kevin: Mayor Rice, we know you soul is Lutheran. C.J.: Which brings us to Rule Number Three. BE BLOND. All: BE BLOND. SEATTLEITES ARE FUNDAMENTALLY BLOND. THEY COME FROM SCANDINAVIA. THEY’RE VIKING VAGABONDS. SOME COME FROM OTHER REGIONS, BUT AT HEART WE’RE ALL NORWEGIANS. WE ARE BLOND. AND BLAND. AND NICE. SO WELCOME TO SEATTLE. Val: WE’RE GLAD YOU’VE COME TO VISIT, AND WE’LL EVEN LET YOU STAY. Stephen: AS LONG AS YOU’RE BEHAVING IN THE TRUE SEATTLE WAY. C.J.: WE CAN TEACH YOU TO RECYCLE AND TO RIDE A TEN-SPEED BIKE. Kevin: WE’LL ALWAYS BE REAL NICE TO YOU. JUST DO THE THINGS WE DO. All: FOR ONCE UPON A TIME, WE WERE OUTSIDERS JUST LIKE YOU. Stephen & Val: IF YOU CAN HAVE LOTS OF PASSION FOR WHAT’S HOT IN HIKING FASHION C.J.: IF YOU THINK GORTEX IS SMASHIN’ All: THEN WE WELCOME YOU. AND WE’LL BE NICE. AND WE’LL BE BLAND. AND WE’LL BE BLOND. NICE AND BLAND AND BLOND. (as a round) AND NICE AND BLAND AND BLOND. AND NICE AND BLAND AND BLOND. AND NICE! SO WELCOME!

(Stephen in a trench coat, gangster-like.) Stephen: DOWNTOWN, ON THE STREETS OF THE CITY, OPEN YOUR EYES! THE SIGHT ISN’T PRETTY. BEGGARS, BANKERS, BUSINESSMEN, THUGS – EVERYONE OF THEM ADDICTED TO . . . DRUGS! HIGH UP, ON THE SLOPES OF THE ANDES. THEY HARVEST THE CROPS FOR SOFT DRINKS AND CANDIES. BUT COLA, COCOA AND COCONUT CREAM COVER UP THE TRUE COLUMBIAN SCHEME. EVIL DRUG, IT WILL CONQUER OUR NATION. IT’S GOT TO BE STOPPED. WE NEED LEGISLATION! GROWN IN A PLACE THEY CALLED MEDALLIN, IT’S THE MEAN, MEAN, MEAN . . . COFFEE BEAN! (He opens his trench coat; it is lined with coffee and coffee paraphernalia.) ESPRESSO, CAPPUCINI, CAFFE CON LATTÉ, LATTÉ MACCHIATO – MIO AMORE – DOPPIO E MOCHA, CAFFE CON PANNA, ESPRESSO, CAPPUCINI, CAFFE CON LATTÉ, LATTÉ MACCHIATO – MIO AMORE – DOPPIO E MOCHA, CAFFE CON PANNA, PLEASE GOOD SIGNOR, POUR ME SOME MORE PLEASE, PER FAVORE, POUR ME SOME MORE-AY. (Stephen pours coffee from a thermos for the others, who are desperate for a fix) Stephen: HARD LIFE, ON THE STREETS OF THE CITY. HARD TO SAY NO. IT SURE IS A PITY. All: YOU WORK ALL DAY FROM NINE UNTIL SIX. Stephen: HARD TO LIVE WITHOUT THAT JAVA BEAN FIX. (Kevin has no money. Stephen refuses to put him a cup. Kevin begs the audience.) Kevin: BROTHER CAN YOU SPARE A DIME OR TWO? SHOW THAT YOU CARE. I WAS ONCE LIKE YOU. IT’S NOT FOR BUYING BOOZE OR SODA POP. I WANT AN ESPRESSO . . . All: . . . WITH SOME CHOCOLATE ON TOP. Stephen: YOUNG AND OLD, IN THEIR TEENS AND THEIR FORTIES, THEYRE PUSHING THE STUFF, RIGHT NEXT TO NORDIES. All: WE MUST ACT NOW. WE MUST DO SOMETHING SOON. TODAY IT’S THE CUP; TOMORROW THE SPOON! (They snort from their coffee spoons.) AHH! (lightheaded) ESPRESSO, CAPPUCINI, CAFFE CON LATTÉ, LATTÉ MACCHIATO – MIO AMORE – DOPPIO E MOCHA, CAFFE CON PANNA, ESPRESSO, CAPPUCINI, CAFFE CON LATTÉ, LATTÉ MACCHIATO – MIO AMORE – DOPPIO E MOCHA, CAFFE CON PANNA, PLEASE GOOD SIGNOR, POUR ME SOME MORE PLEASE, PER FAVORE, POUR ME SOME MORE-AY. Stephen: PLEASE, PER FAVORE, All: POUR ME SOME MORE-AY! (Stephen pours refills for all.) C.J. I DON’T WANT NO NICOTINE. Val: NOT CODEINE, NOR BENZEDRINE. Kevin: IT’S WORSE THAN THE WORSE AMPHETAMINE. All: IT’S THE MEAN, MEAN, MEAN COFFEE BEAN! (As the others dance off with their cups) Stephen: YOU CAN SCORE ON ANY CORNER.

Stephen: We now join our traffic reporter, Gilbert N. Sullivan up in the air. (KEVIN slaps his chest to make helicopter sounds.) Stephen: Gilbert! Gilbert, can you hear us? Kevin: Let me turn down my helicopter. That’s better. The fact of the matter is at this moment all traffic is simply stopped. Stephen: Can you see from up there what caused it? Kevin: Ah yes, I see the problem. ONE SLOOP, GOING THROUGH THE BRIDGE. ONE SLOOP, HEADING OUT TO SEA. A PRETTY LITTLE SAILBOAT WITH A FLAG ATOP ITS MAST, WAS THE CAUSE OF THIS CATASTROPHE. ‘TWAS THE DAY BEFORE THE HOLIDAY WEEKEND. THE WHOLE TOWN WAS WEARING A GRIN. CARS HEADING HAPPILY OUT OF THE CITY, AND CARS HEADING HAPPILY IN, FANS ON THEIR WAY TO A HUSKY GAME, MOVING STEADILY OVER THE BRIDGE. THEN AT 3:31 ON THE DOT, ALONG CAME A SEA-FARING YACHT. Stephen & C.J.: THEN AT 3:31 (31, 31) ON THE DOT (ON THE DOT, ON THE DOT, ON THE DOT), ALONG CAME A SEAFARING YACHT. Kevin: HE SIGNALED TO OPEN THE BRIDGE. (KEVIN makes horn sound—one long, one short.) Stephen (as skipper): I need to get through. Kevin: BUT THE BRIDGE SOUNDED BACK: (KEVIN makes five shot beeps.) C.J. (as bridge keeper): You’ll have to wait. Kevin: BUT THE SKIPPER, HE CRIED: Stephen: “I’M GOING TO BE LATE. AT PORT GAMBLE TONIGHT, I’M TO MARRY MY BRIDE. IT’S A FOUR-HOUR SAIL, IF THE TIDE’S ON MY SIDE. I BEG OF YOU, OPEN THE BRIDGE.” C.J.: SHE RELUCTANTLY OPENED THE BRIDGE. Kevin: SO THE BRIDGE, IT WENT UP, AND THE BOAT, IT WENT THROUGH, THEN THE BRIDGE, IT GOT STUCK, C.J. & Stephen: Oh! All: THEN THE BRIDGE, IT GOT STUCK! Kevin: AND THE CARS DRIVING UP ALL GOT STUCK IN A LINE AND IT GREW, AND IT GREW, AND IT GREW… TILL THE CARS AT THE BRIDGE WERE MET BY THE CARS ON THEIR WAY TO THE HUSKY GAME…. C.J. & Stephen: Oh! Kevin: AND THE CARS AT THE GAME WERE MET BY THE CARS, EN ROUTE TO BUMBERSHOOT. . . C.J. & Stephen: On no! Kevin: WHICH WERE MET BY THE CARS ON MERCER STREET, WHERE THEY’D BEEN STUCK SINCE THE NIGHT BEFORE, WHICH WERE MET BY THE CARS THAT WERE HEADING OUT, WHICH WERE MET BY THE CARS, THAT WERE HEADING IN, AND NORTH AND SOUTH AND EAST AND WEST, AND ALL THE CARS, THEY CAME TO REST FOR . . . Kevin: C.J. & Stephen: ONE SLOOP, DOOP1 DOOP! GOING THROUGH THE BRIDGE. ONE SLOOP, DOOP! DOOP! HEADING OUT TO SEA. All: THE SLOOP THAT HAD A SKIPPER WHO WAS ANXIOUS FOR HIS BRIDE, WAS THE CAUSE OF THIS CATASTROPHE. Kevin: IN THE CARS, THEY ARE FIGHTING, SCRATCHING AND BITING, SWEARING AND TEARING EACH OTHER APART, IT’S A TOTAL DISASTER, BUT YOU CAN TAKE HEART – FOR TONIGHT THE LITTLE SKIPPER . . . Stephen: Yo ho ho! Kevin: MEETS HIS ANXIOUS LITTLE BRIDE. C.J.: With a bottle of rum. Kevin: AND THEY’LL BE MARRIED HAPPILY All: ON ONE SLOOP.