(Stephen, Val, Carole Jean & Kevin in lab coats with clipboards.)

All:
WELCOME TO SEATTLE.
WE’RE GLAD YOU’VE COME TO VISIT,
AND WE HOPE THAT YOU CAN STAY,
AT LEAST UNTIL WE’RE FINISHED WITH THIS EVENING’S CABARET.
TO ENSURE A PLEASANT VISIT,
WE’VE PREPARED A LITTLE QUIZ;
IT ISN’T VERY DIFFICULT.
WE DO IT IN THIS SONG.
IT’S GUARANTEED TO TEACH YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO GET ALONG.
AND EVEN IF YOU ARE A NATIVE,
YOU WILL FIND IT ILLUSTRATIVE.
YOU MAY HAVE TO GET CREATIVE,
IF YOU ANSWER WRONG.

Kevin:
WHO IS FROM SEATTLE?
WE HAVE OUR WAYS OF KNOWING IF YOU DO NOT COME FROM HERE.

Val:
WE’VE GOTTEN VERY GOOD AT IT SINCE MOVING HERE LAST YEAR.

Stephen:
DO YOU CARRY AN UMBRELLA?
IF YOU DO, THEN WE CAN TELL.

C.J.:
A TRUE SEATTLE NATIVE DOESN’T BALK AT GETTING WET.

Stephen & CJ.::
HE’LL PICNIC IN A DRIZZLE,
‘CAUSE YOU TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET.

Val:
DO YOU STOP AT EDDIE BAUER
TO WAIT OUT AN APRIL SHOWER?

C.J.:
GIVE IT MAYBE HALF AN HOUR.

All:
DO YOU WANNA BET?

Stephen:
And now it’s time for Seattle Survival Rule Number One!
BE NICE,

All:
BE NICE,
SEATTLEITES ARE VERY, VERY NICE.

Stephen & Kevin:
WE’RE FRIENDLY TO OUTSIDERS.

Val & C.J.:
AND FREE WITH OUR ADVICE.

Kevin:
Where is a good neighborhood to buy a home?

Val:
(smiling politely)
Fresno.

All:
WE WANT TO GET TO MEET YOU,
SO WE’LL KNOW HOW TO TREAT YOU.
WE’LL BE NICE.

Stephen:
In Seattle, being a native is a way of life.
ARE YOU LIKE A NATIVE?

Val:
ARE YOU GOOD AT BEING RUDE WHILE SEEMING SO POLITE?

Kevin:
AND DO YOU NEVER CROSS THE STREET AGAINST THE TRAFFIC LIGHT?

C.J:
DO YOU SHOP AT PIKE PLACE MARKET?
FLY A KITE AT GAS WORKS PARK?

Stephen:
IT HELPS IF YOU’RE ATHLETIC.
DO YOU JOG AND MOUNTAIN CLIMB?

Val:
DO YOU LIKE TO TALK TO STRANGERS?

Kevin:
ARE YOU FRIENDLY ALL THE TIME?

Stephen:
ARE YOU INCAPABLE OF GOING
INTO WORK WHEN IT IS SNOWING?

All:
HAVE YOU EVER WORKED AT BOEING?
ARE YOU IN BED BY NINE?

Kevin:
Obviously, none of you are Seattle natives.

Val:
Which brings us to Rule Number Two.
BE BLAND.

All:
BE BLAND.
SEATTLEITES ARE VERY, VERY BLAND.
STRANGE THINGS GIVE US PASSION.
YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND.

C.J.:
Like a sunny day in June.

Stephen:
The Nordstrom half-yearly sale.

All:
WE DON’T LIKE THINGS TOO SPICY,
BUT WE LOVE THAT MAYOR RICE; HE
IS SO BLAND. AND NICE.

Kevin:
Mayor Rice, we know you soul is Lutheran.

C.J.:
Which brings us to Rule Number Three.
BE BLOND.

All:
BE BLOND.
SEATTLEITES ARE FUNDAMENTALLY BLOND.
THEY COME FROM SCANDINAVIA.
THEY’RE VIKING VAGABONDS.
SOME COME FROM OTHER REGIONS,
BUT AT HEART WE’RE ALL NORWEGIANS.
WE ARE BLOND. AND BLAND. AND NICE.

SO WELCOME TO SEATTLE.

Val:
WE’RE GLAD YOU’VE COME TO VISIT,
AND WE’LL EVEN LET YOU STAY.

Stephen:
AS LONG AS YOU’RE BEHAVING IN THE TRUE SEATTLE WAY.

C.J.:
WE CAN TEACH YOU TO RECYCLE
AND TO RIDE A TEN-SPEED BIKE.

Kevin:
WE’LL ALWAYS BE REAL NICE TO YOU.
JUST DO THE THINGS WE DO.

All:
FOR ONCE UPON A TIME, WE WERE OUTSIDERS JUST LIKE YOU.

Stephen & Val:
IF YOU CAN HAVE LOTS OF PASSION
FOR WHAT’S HOT IN HIKING FASHION

C.J.:
IF YOU THINK GORTEX IS SMASHIN’

All:
THEN WE WELCOME YOU.

AND WE’LL BE NICE.
AND WE’LL BE BLAND.
AND WE’LL BE BLOND.
NICE AND BLAND AND BLOND.
(as a round)
AND NICE AND BLAND AND BLOND.
AND NICE AND BLAND AND BLOND.
AND NICE!
SO WELCOME!