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lyrics

(Stephen in a trench coat, gangster-like.)

Stephen:
DOWNTOWN, ON THE STREETS OF THE CITY,
OPEN YOUR EYES! THE SIGHT ISN’T PRETTY.
BEGGARS, BANKERS, BUSINESSMEN, THUGS –
EVERYONE OF THEM ADDICTED TO . . . DRUGS!

HIGH UP, ON THE SLOPES OF THE ANDES.
THEY HARVEST THE CROPS FOR SOFT DRINKS AND CANDIES.
BUT COLA, COCOA AND COCONUT CREAM
COVER UP THE TRUE COLUMBIAN SCHEME.

EVIL DRUG, IT WILL CONQUER OUR NATION.
IT’S GOT TO BE STOPPED. WE NEED LEGISLATION!
GROWN IN A PLACE THEY CALLED MEDALLIN,
IT’S THE MEAN, MEAN, MEAN . . . COFFEE BEAN!

(He opens his trench coat; it is lined with coffee and coffee paraphernalia.)

ESPRESSO, CAPPUCINI, CAFFE CON LATTÉ,
LATTÉ MACCHIATO – MIO AMORE –
DOPPIO E MOCHA, CAFFE CON PANNA,
ESPRESSO, CAPPUCINI, CAFFE CON LATTÉ,
LATTÉ MACCHIATO – MIO AMORE –
DOPPIO E MOCHA, CAFFE CON PANNA,
PLEASE GOOD SIGNOR, POUR ME SOME MORE
PLEASE, PER FAVORE, POUR ME SOME MORE-AY.

(Stephen pours coffee from a thermos for the others, who are desperate for a fix)

Stephen:
HARD LIFE, ON THE STREETS OF THE CITY.
HARD TO SAY NO. IT SURE IS A PITY.

All:
YOU WORK ALL DAY FROM NINE UNTIL SIX.

Stephen:
HARD TO LIVE WITHOUT THAT JAVA BEAN FIX.

(Kevin has no money. Stephen refuses to put him a cup. Kevin begs the audience.)

Kevin:
BROTHER CAN YOU SPARE A DIME OR TWO?
SHOW THAT YOU CARE. I WAS ONCE LIKE YOU.
IT’S NOT FOR BUYING BOOZE OR SODA POP.
I WANT AN ESPRESSO . . .

All:
. . . WITH SOME CHOCOLATE ON TOP.

Stephen:
YOUNG AND OLD, IN THEIR TEENS AND THEIR FORTIES,
THEYRE PUSHING THE STUFF, RIGHT NEXT TO NORDIES.

All:
WE MUST ACT NOW. WE MUST DO SOMETHING SOON.
TODAY IT’S THE CUP; TOMORROW THE SPOON!

(They snort from their coffee spoons.)

AHH!

(lightheaded)

ESPRESSO, CAPPUCINI, CAFFE CON LATTÉ,
LATTÉ MACCHIATO – MIO AMORE –
DOPPIO E MOCHA, CAFFE CON PANNA,
ESPRESSO, CAPPUCINI, CAFFE CON LATTÉ,
LATTÉ MACCHIATO – MIO AMORE –
DOPPIO E MOCHA, CAFFE CON PANNA,
PLEASE GOOD SIGNOR, POUR ME SOME MORE
PLEASE, PER FAVORE, POUR ME SOME MORE-AY.

Stephen:
PLEASE, PER FAVORE,

All:
POUR ME SOME MORE-AY!

(Stephen pours refills for all.)

C.J.
I DON’T WANT NO NICOTINE.

Val:
NOT CODEINE, NOR BENZEDRINE.

Kevin:
IT’S WORSE THAN THE WORSE AMPHETAMINE.

All:
IT’S THE MEAN, MEAN, MEAN COFFEE BEAN!

(As the others dance off with their cups)

Stephen:
YOU CAN SCORE ON ANY CORNER.

credits

from Waiter, There's a Slug in My Latté, released July 31, 2020
Performed by Stephen Terrell, with Carole Jean Anderson, Kevin Loomis & Valerie Piacenti; Todd Moeller on piano.

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Lauren Goldman Marshall Seattle, Washington

Lyricist Lauren Marshall's works include Waiter, There's a Slug in My Latté (Cabaret de Paris), Whadda 'Bout My Legal Rights? (Empty Space Theatre, published, Samuel French), Abraham’s Land (New Image Theatre), a modern take on The Misanthrope (Artists Repertory Theatre) & Fixing Einstein (5th Avenue Theatre new works). She holds a BA & JD from Stanford & MFA in music theater writing from NYU. ... more

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